my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
