My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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