smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
