I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You ruined the universe
Randomize
