On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
