how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
