he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
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