Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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