I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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