i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
