thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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