I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
