So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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