OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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