Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
