dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
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my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
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all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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