You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
