I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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