There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
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