just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
