Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
