At least make sure they are 18
Why
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
