my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
