Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
