Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
