currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
