the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
