Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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