I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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