so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
