Got a toothbrush?
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Acid is not a monday night drug
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
