I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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