It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
