Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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