my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
