Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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