I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
