he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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