im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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