I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
