Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
