that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
