If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
