Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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