he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
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She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
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Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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