A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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