i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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