Porn is love you can see.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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