Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
