What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
