I think im going to throw up on grandma
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
