This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
