when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
