I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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