Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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