My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
